Holy Fish & Chips

Our struggles to connect (especially those of us who are men)

I ate at this cool little English fish & chips place in the middle of Indiana by myself the other day. 

Strange I know…. But there it was, right off the exit of the highway, near Fort Wayne I think... nothing else there but a gas station on one corner and an English restaurant that served Smithwicks and Guinness and shepherd’s pie and smashed peas and fish and chips. 

It was pretty good. 

Anyway, there I am… I’m enjoying the British meal and a pint when a group of five men come in. They sit at the table next to me. I think they’d all just gotten off work. Probably a physical job. A dirty job. An outdoor job. 

They sit. Hungry for the hot meal they’d earned. 

They sit. 

Right at that table next to me. They sit. 

Quietly. 

Really quiet. 

Like, awkwardly quiet. 

And I couldn’t help but notice the silence. 

It seemed they had come into this cool little restaurant, hoping to enjoy food and share some time together. And… 

They just couldn’t quite figure out how to connect. 

They sat staring down. Not at phones or electronic devices. Just… down. 

I don’t know their stories. I don’t know the relationships that they had or didn’t have. I don’t know how they grew up or what their social framework was. But I did sense that they seemed to want to connect, but just couldn’t get it started. 

They’d probably spent the day doing work together, talking about work, and while they were busy working and talking about work, they’d naturally squeeze in some chatter about other parts of their life. 

But now, as they faced each other instead of facing the work… they seemed frozen. Lost. Unable to simply be with each other. 

Of course, I don’t know what was really going on… I could be way off. Heck, I could have been projecting my own psychological issues related to relationships I have in my own life right onto that restaurant scene that had nothing to do with me. But that scene was striking. 

I think there are a lot of people out there who struggle to connect with others when they’re not entertained or buffered by some third thing to look at, work on, or do. 

There are some good authors who’ve written about this phenomenon as it often manifests itself in men. Societally, many men have only known connection when it is mediated by a third thing — two men often connect best when they’re playing golf, watching sports, playing video games, building something, fixing something… you get the idea. When we (men) are shoulder to shoulder, we can connect… but face-to-face is not something we have a lot of experience with. 

This model goes back a long way. There are biblical examples of men struggling to connect. 

I’m reminded of the Book of Job. 

Now, Job is a complicated book and I really don’t think I understand it…. But there’s a famous part where Job’s three friends come to visit him after he’s had a horrible run of really bad things happen to him. 

They show up and just sit in silence with him for seven days. 

They just sit. 

Silently. 

For seven days. 

The pious might read that part of the story as holy togetherness. I like that. 

The cynical might read that part of the story as men being unable to care for each other. I relate to that. 

I doubt either of those things are accurate interpretations of this old ahistorical tale. 

But it is worth considering the pros and cons of being able to sit silently with each other. On the plus side… there is presence and peace and shared mourning when we sit in silence with each other. On the other hand, there is awkwardness, there are unspoken truths, and there are unknown longings.

Here’s maybe my point in all of this… there are a whole lot of us — especially those of us who identify as men — who have struggled with an inability to connect with each other because of old, cultural, and learned patterns of behavior. 

In the moments when we need to be able to sit face-to-face with each other and connect in meaningful ways… we are out of practice, and we can let each other down. 

I want sacred connection for everyone — but my heart especially went out to the men at that fish and chips place… and men everywhere… who are just out of practice when it comes time to connect. 

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May you be a practiced and ready sacred connector. May your heart soften in quiet moments,and may your eyes lift to see the faces around you with love. May your hands find new ways to offer comfort,and your shoulders become a place of rest for others. Amen.